When Does It Stop Hurting So Bad?

Every single day of my life I wake up with this emptiness in my heart. It’s like a part of me is missing that I will never get back, like there is a huge void in me. No matter how hard I try I can never stop thinking about it or learn to deal with it. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t pray for God to help me with this pain and give me some sort of comfort, but it has yet to happen.

My parents divorced when I was just a little girl. Not too young to remember how bad they would fight, or the nasty battle they went through when they did decide to go through a divorce and needed to decide how my sister and I where going to spend our time with each of them. As a little kid you don’t understand why your parents are yelling so much or why they won’t talk to each other or even look at each other. It’s like you have to live in the unknown of what’s going on inside of your own home. I remember my dad would always try his best to not allow my sister or me to hear them fight, but my mom always found a way to start something while we were present. You could always see the hurt in his eyes when they would get into a fight and he would leave. Honestly, it was a blessing from God that they finally had decided to get a divorce and go there own ways. When my dad finally left the very first thing he did was go to my mom’s parents house and told them that he was going to take my mom to court for joint custody of my sister and me, and he would be apart of our lives no matter what! My grandma’s response “YOU WILL PAY THEIR MOM CHILD SUPPORT!” He would tell me that story all the time just so I knew how much he loved us and would do anything to be in our lives.

He took her to court and was granted joint custody. The judge did order him to pay child support, but the funny part of it was that he was only ordered to pay my mom $28 a month because he had us close to 50% of the time. Funny, right? We went along with seeing my dad 3 times a week. I remember going to see him in his one bedroom apartment and loving every minute that I was there with him. That went on for awhile. He finally saved up enough money for a four bedroom house and went back to court to get full 50% custody of us, and he was granted it. One week with my mom and one week with my dad. I remember being so happy to be able to spend a whole week with my dad. It stayed that way for the rest of our childhood. You could say that I was a huge daddies girl. I always looked forward to my week with my dad and getting to go over to his house. He really loved just being able to spend time with us. Especially being able to just bond with us. Sense I was oldest I was allowed to stay up later then my sister. Sometimes after she went to bed he would go out in our garage and listen to the radio in the dark while he sat on the tailgate of his truck. There were times when I would go out and listen to the music with him before I went to bed and I remember one time like it was yesterday. I went out into the garage and sat on the tailgate next to my dad and talked to him about school. It was kinda late so I laid my head down on his lap and just listened to the radio. A song came on by Led Zeppelin called “Stairway To Heaven.” He started singing the song to me, I always loved when he sang to me, and then looked down at me and started rubbing my head and said to me “When I die, I want you to play this song at my funeral.” That stuck with me there forward. I would never forget it going forward.

As I grew up and got older my dad’s rules got tougher and tougher. I wasn’t aloud to have a cell phone until I got into High School, anything I did on the computer was watched, wasn’t aloud to talk to boys, and of course had to be home before the street lights came on. My mom was completely different though, she didn’t have any rules for us really. We could go anywhere we wanted to go, we could stay out as late as we wanted, and I was aloud to have a boyfriend. As a matter of fact, my mom aloud my sister and me to stay the night at out boyfriend’s house during the week and just needed to be home on Sunday before it was time to switch back to my dad’s week. Crazy, right? The motto was “Don’t tell your dad” when it was my mom’s week. She really didn’t want to have to put up with my sister or me. My dad wasn’t a stupid guy though, he finally aloud my sister and I to get cell phones, I was already in High School by that time though. He wanted us to have phones so that way he didn’t need to go through my mom anymore and there wouldn’t be any reason why he couldn’t get a hold of my sister or me. I don’t remember how but he did find out that my sister and I had boyfriends by this time and he was really upset that my mom would allow us to go to their house, but he wasn’t able to do anything about it because it was my mom’s week. My mom was really good at painting my dad out to being a crazy over protective father and painted herself to be way better then him so that way we wanted to spend out time with her and not him. For awhile I started to feel that way. I stopped looking forward to going to my dad’s and looked forward now to going with my mom. I was aloud to do anything I wanted and I was aloud to see my boyfriend and have him sleep with me every night. Of course, being a young teenage girl, all my boyfriend ever wanted to do was have sex. Young and dumb. To be honest, I’m surprised that I didn’t get pregnant sooner then I did because I was too dumb to use protection. Basically, I had everything that I could have ever wanted when I was with my mom. I was still able to keep my grades up and worked on the weekends, so when I was 16 my dad got me a car for my birthday. He probably got me a car so it would score him some cool points. (And it did!! Lol.) Everything was great for a little while in my eyes, yeah my dad and mine relationship did start to distance itself but I didn’t know any better. When my sister turned 16 , I was 17, she got pregnant by my boyfriend’s brother. My dad was the first one she told, and before that had happened, I had never seen my dad cry. That day he cried his eyes out. At that moment I knew that the way my mom was raising us wasn’t right and I should have been listening to my dad the entire time. I was old enough to decide where I wanted to spend my time, and I started staying with my dad a lot more then my mom. It was too late though, I had already messed up. Two months after my sister got pregnant, I found out that I was pregnant. I had to tell my parents and surprisingly, they were a lot more understanding with me then they were with my sister. Or maybe they were just in shock, I don’t know. Anyways, I was heartbroken that I had not listened to my dad for so long and allowed our bond and our relationship to distance itself so much. At that time in my life I really needed his guidance, so I started living with him full time. Ever sense that happened I worked really hard on rebuilding my relationship with him, and it paid off. I can honestly say that my dad was my absolute best friend in the entire world. From there on I told him every little thing that was going on in my life. He was my number one fan, my shoulder to cry on, my fixer of all things broken, but most importantly my best friend. I lived with him until I was 21 almost 22 and decided to move in with my fiance, which is who I’m still with now. That didn’t matter much though because I still went to his house any time I was off of work, or on the weekends, and especially when my fiance and I would fight. I loved going to stay the night with my dad any chance that I got. It honestly was like he was my other half. Have you ever felt that way about your dad or mom?

One night my fiance and I had got into a bad fight and when I got off work that night I didn’t want to go home, so I called my dad and asked if I could stay at his house and of course he said yes. My sister was already there with her two kids and she was going to be staying the night as well. That never happened, my sister and I was never up at my dad’s house at the same time and we for sure never stayed the night at his house on the same night. For whatever reason on that night something had just made both of us be at his house together. It really made him happy to have both of his girls there together and staying the night on top of it. We stayed up watching movies, joking and laughing with each other that night. I’ll never forget it. When I finally got tired, I got up to go to bed and I kissed my dad good night, told him I loved him and went to bed. The next morning my sister had a doctor appointment for her son and wanted me to go with her. Before we left I went into my dad’s room to check on him and make sure he was okay, then walked out the door. Literally 45 minutes later my step mom called my sister’s phone and asked us to go in another room, we where at my mom’s house by this time. I’ll never in my life forget that phone call. She said “I love you both so very much, I want you to know that. I need to tell you something. Daddy is gone, he isn’t here with us anymore. He died.” I almost dropped my nephew out of my hands. I remember screaming at her saying she was lying as all three of us where crying. She told us that we needed to get back up there right away. My fiance left work and got to my mom’s house. He talked me into going up to my dad’s house because I hadn’t wanted to go. When we got to his house the cop told me that he had a heart attack and that when the EMT got to him that there was just nothing they could do. He was already gone. The medical examiner hadn’t been to the house to get him yet, so he was still in his room but not laying on the bed anymore. They moved him to the ground when they where attempting to bring him back. The cop told my sister and me that if we wanted to see him before they took him that we could. We both decided that we wanted to. He opened the door and right away you could see him on the ground. They had a sheet covering his body from head to toe, both of his arms were sticking out from the sheet. I bent down and grabbed his hand and told him I loved him so much and I’d miss him with every little bit of my heart.

Ever sense he died almost 4 years ago now I have never been the same. I feel like there is a hole in my heart and it has never filled back up. I’m numb from emotions and all I ever do is think of my dad. What would he say about this? What would he do about this? I bet he’d like that! It’s just constant. When I’m sad I don’t have anyone to call anymore, when I’m happy I have no one to talk to anymore. If I need advice I can no longer pick up the phone and call him. Every single part of this situation just kills me. No matter what I do, I can never seem to find any peace in this matter. Even with time it hasn’t started to hurt any less. Will it ever? How do other people deal with such a terrible pain? I wish that I could figure out how to deal with the pain but I just can’t seem to get it. I miss my dad so much no one will ever get it. I don’t think I could ever say that enough. I miss my dad and I love him so much. I just want the pain to get easier to live with!

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