Living With Anxiety

So many people in the world today live with this life changing thing called anxiety. Unfortunately, this is something that I know all too well. It’s funny how you can go through life with no worries in the world, and then all of a sudden one day you find yourself in a corner crying your eyes out, shaking, not able to move an inch. So what causes this? How does it start?

I turned 22 in January of 2013, and in December of that year my father suddenly passed away from what was told to me to be a heart attack. My dad was my bestfriend and I loved him more then I would ever explain in words. Dealing with such a tragic loss at such a sudden moment is more then life altering. I didn’t know what to think, what to do, or even how to cope. I found myself all alone even though I had so called family who was suppose to stick together at such a time like that was. My family though, they are the definition of dysfunctional, and never once was I ever able to count on anyone but my father. From that moment on, everything I did, everywhere I went, scared me. Why? I couldn’t understand why losing one person could damage my life is such a huge way.

Let’s fast forward a little bit now that you have a little bit of a back story. As time continued to go by my anxiety got worse and worse. Funny thing is that I didn’t even know that was what was happening to me. Soon the anxiety attacks turned into panic attacks, and they where happening every single day. One day it got to the point where I couldn’t even breathe, no matter how hard I tried to calm myself down. It was the scariest thing I had ever experienced. Of course I was taken to the hospital, where I was given something to calm down, told I had a panic attack and to see a primary doctor as soon as possible. That night I wanted to commit suicide, my step mother caught the signs and I was admitted into a mental hospital. There finally a little light was shed by a doctor that describe to me what I was going through, and highly recommended that I be put on medication and “start writing in a journal.” I went and saw my primary. It was his recommendation that I start taking Xanax, and he described that it would calm me down and allow me to live my day to day life again. Sounds great right?? I thought so! A few months ago went by and I was now on a dosage of 2mg of Xanax 3 times a day. Normal, right?? That’s what I thought at least. I was a walking, talking zombie! I found myself so addicted to the drug that there was no way in hell that anybody or anything was going to come between me and my Xanax.

Well, as we all know, drug habits negatively affect people’s lives everyday, and mine was no different. I lost my job, my boyfriend, my car and my home. Having no job means you have no health insurance, no health insurance means no more doctors visits, and no more doctors visits means no more Xanax. No one ever explains to you how dangerous this drug can really be. I was off of my Xanax for 1 week going through very bad withdraws. One day, I was talking with my mom and my sister and they noticed my body shaking and my words slurring. They knew I was withdrawing and of course was worried. Like anybody else, I thought I was fine. I would just continue to deal with the symptoms until they went away. I DROVE home to my boyfriend who had decided to give me another chance. I had only been home for many 30 minutes. As I was sitting on our bed going through the mail with him, the last thing I remember was him explaining to me about a certain letter we had received and then everything went dark. Moments later I came to with a bunch of paramedics inside my home putting me on a stretcher, with my boyfriend on my side telling me “Its okay, you are okay, I’m right here next to you.” I had no idea what had happened. I was scared, crying, my body shaking. Nobody telling me what was going on. After a good five minutes of just looking around not saying a word, i was able to speak, to only say, “what happened?” I had a seizure. My jaw popped out of its socket and my emotions where all over the place. Every muscle in my body hurt and worst of all, the worry in my boyfriends eyes and the words that came out of his mouth “I thought you where going to die in my arms” killed me.

Talking with the doctor at the hospital, after they had to pop my jaw back into place, told me that the amount of Xanax I was placed on was deadly if for me to just stop taking all together. How was I suppose to know that? Why didn’t my doctor tell me this? This drug that is given out to just about anybody how has anxiety IS NOT THE ANSWER!  I write this blog to the people out there who currently may be taking it right now. Yes, it does make you feel better. But what happens if you can’t get it anymore and you have to withdraw like I did? Has your doctor went over what can happen with you? If i could go back and do things again, I would have researched anxiety and found all the different things that can be done to help people deal with living with it. Not just have jumped to a quick fix, or a better way to put it, a band aide! There is help out there. Whatever you are going through. Just do a little work to find it!